Womonspace News: Our Voice in the Lesbian Community: Apr 1999

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eee REE 9 Neen to local lesbians.
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social commentary, short fiction, poetry, photographs
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Liz Massiah, Lindy
Pratch.

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__ organization. The newsletter is produced by, for, and about lesbians in Edmonton and the surrounding areas. Our

sulsnited becomes the property of Wornonibace, We rescrve th Gide toed eect ae ea

_ publication. Articles or letters to the editor may be sent to: Womonspace, Box 128, Main P.O., Edmonton, AB T5J
_ 3K4. Womonspace members may submit classified advertising — up to 3 lines free — at any time. Womonspace
<. sss avering ht ein sti lp leptons ts Womonspace does not necessarily endorse
Products or: offered. We reserve the right to refuse ads. For rate information, and to place an ad, please leave
se 2-1794. Cae En a

LESBIAN BED DEATH
The Laverne and Shirley

Syndrome
by Lisa Austin

“Lesbian Bed Death” is a touchy subject
about... well... lack of touching. I spoke to a
few lesbians about this controversial subject
and they suggested that a definition of LBD in
this article would be prudent. It will also,
hopefully, prevent my house from being
ficebombed by angry readers. One firebombing
can ruin your whole day.

My unofficial definition of Lesbian Bed
Death is: “The chronic and/or prolonged
absence of sexual contact between a lesbian
couple which does not result from a physical,
emotional or psychological condition.
Moreover, the absence is not a mutual
decision.” Researchers will take exception (as
well they should) to the terms ‘chronic,’
‘prolonged’ and, even, ‘sexual contact.’ These
terms are subjective and must be defined by the
couple themselves (see Liz Massiah’s article on
page 8).

The most important part of that definition ts
the concept of mutual decision-making. In my
experience and conversations with others, it is
usually one member of the couple who finds
the absence of a sexual relationship
unacceptable. It is alarming to me how many
women I talk to who are in this situation—or
have been at some point. What the heck’s going
on here?

I don’t have an answer. (If I’d said that at
the beginning, you would have stopped
reading.) Sometimes I think it’s about power
and control. Imagine a couple in which one has
a low sex drive and the other has a high sex

drive. The low sex drive person likely always
gets sex when they want it. The high sex
drive person, conversely, only gets sex when
the low sex drive person wants it. Hardly
equitable. Who do you think feels more
powerful?

Intimacy and sex are subjects a couple
can never afford to stop talking about.
Relationship negotiation is hard work that
demands we step out of our fears in order
to really listen and be open to solutions.

QUOTES:

Lesbian sexologist JoAnn Loulan and
others have attributed bed death to a
variety of causes related to the
complexity of female sexuality,
including the tendency of committed
lesbian partners to experience fusion or
merging.
The Lesbian Almanac,
Berkley Books, New York, 1996

The way lesbians talk about the sexual
slow-down that takes place in many
long-term relationships, you’d think we
were the only people on the planet that
it happened to.
Erin Gill
“Our Very Own Passion Play”
Diva, Jan/Feb issue, 1999

WOMONSPACE NEWS 3

TIPS FOR STAVING OFF
LESBIAN BED DEATH

by Laurie

1. Get rid of your television. Nothing kills
a romantic mood like being told, “Not now,
honey—The X-files ts on.” Unless you yourself
want to soon be joining the ranks of the ex-
files, seriously limit your TV watching... and
absolutely NEVER install a television in your
bedroom. It’s bad enough if you’re re-arranging
your daily schedule around the afternoon soaps,
but if you’re trying to squeeze in orgasms
between Friends and Frasier, you might as well
be having sex with your remote control.
(Perhaps you already are.)

2. Celebrate Valentine’s Day once a
week. Corny but effective. Many of us have
frenzied schedules that don’t allow for a lot of
quality time with our lovers. Often we work all
day, bump into our partner at bedtime and are
too tired to even think about brushing our
teeth, let alone doing the wild thing. But you’d
be surprised how setting aside one mutually
agreed upon day (or night) a week for candles,
chocolates, and soft kisses can spruce up a sex
life that’s starting to go stale. A half-hour
cuddle doesn’t have to lead to mind-blowing
orgasms, but if by chance it does... BONUS!

3. Play “Remember When.” If the
frequency of your romantic romps has
dwindled from twice a day to twice a year,
remind each other of those lusty early
encounters when you couldn’t keep your hands
off each other. “Remember when we were first
dating, and we danced at the club until 3 a.m.,
and it was 30-below when we left, so while we
were waiting for the car to warm up we started
necking in the front seat... and ended up

4 WOMONSPACE NEWS

making out in the back seat... right there on
104th Street! And the next day I gave Chris a ride
home from work... and when she reached for the
seatbelt she pulled out your bra...”

4. Resist the Urge to Merge. We've all
known couples who move in together after the
first coffee and remain joined at the hip forever
after. Financial benefits of cohabitation aside, we
all need a little breathing room. I’m no therapist,
but if you’re wearing each other’s clothes and
finishing each other’s sentences, you probably
need to get out more—separately. I am not
suggesting going on dates with other
people—polyamory is a whole other ball game.
But for many people, taking a class, joining a
sports team, or just going for a walk alone can
provide valuable time away from a dangerously-
close-to-stifling situation. (Watching TV in
separate rooms does NOT count as time spent
away from each other.) The bottom line: you
don’t have to do everything together. If
codependency is already strangling your
relationship, STOP doing your laundry together;
DON’T STOP having sex together!

5. Talk. Often. Let your partner know if
you're not happy with the frequency of sex
you've been having (or not having). Don’t expect
her to read your mind. Assuming there are no
medical or geographical reasons for the
slowdown, it just may turn out that you’re both
missing the sex—and both assuming the other
doesn’t care. “I thought you weren’t interested in
sex any more.” “What you do mean—you’re the
one who never seems to want to do it...”” Sound
familiar?

6. Relax—and make your own rules. It’s a
very stressful world—and goddess knows, sex is
a great way to relieve stress. But it’s tough
enough to unwind after dealing with jobs, kids,

parents, banks, cranky neighbours, bad
drivers and homophobic politicians without
adding sexual performance anxiety to the
tension. So take a hot, soothing bath, light
some aromatherapy candles, put on some
soft music... and just snuggle.

A satisfying sex life doesn’t have to mean
exchanging bodily fluids with a monogamous
partner a certain number of times a week.
Lesbian sexual activity can range from
holding hands and cuddling to hot, throbbing
marathon sessions where you take the phone
off the hook and don’t come up for air for
three days. Don’t despair and assume LBD
has set in simply because you’re “only”
having sex once a month when all the glossy
clit mags are insisting that’s “below average.”

For one thing, there’s nothing “average”
about lesbians! And besides, sexual
“Statistics” are not very reliable because
they’re based on responses from human
beings, who tend to exaggerate (why am I
being polite—we lie like rugs) when
discussing our sexual experiences, particularly
when stamina, prowess and/or frequency is
involved. If having sex once in a blue
millenium is enough for you and your lover,
it’s nobody else’s concern.

QUOTES:

LBD only matters if one of you wants to
have sex and can’t communicate this to
your partner. The ‘problem’ lies not in our
lesbianism but in the fact that we find it
hard to talk about what our sexual and
emotional needs might be.
Emma Healey
“Double Trouble”
Diva, June/July issue, 1996

The love is still very strong, but the
physical expression has mellowed.
Maybe because we live together, the
urgency has been removed. It’s like when
you live in a place, you don’t go to the
museum.
Patricia,
who has been with her girlfriend
for 23 years, quoted in
“Our Very Own Passion Play,”
Diva, Jan./Feb. issue, 1999

COMING NEXT MONTH: A NEW LOOK

Our newsletter is undergoing a facelift! Starting with next month’s issue,
Womonspace will be a new size and format. The revamped version will retain many of
the same features you look for every month, along with a few changes.

As this April edition goes to press, the Alberta government has just announced its
platform on gay rights issues—almost a full year after the Supreme Court ordered the
province to include sexual orientation in its human rights legislation. Lawyer Julie Lloyd
will sort out what it all means in the May issue of Womonspace.

Feature topic next month: Lesbian gardeners.

WOMONSPACE NEWS 5

WHAT'S HAPPENING?
Groups and Weekly Events:

GLCCE (Gay and Lesbian Community
Centre of Edmonton) is located in suite 103,
10612-124 Street. Office hours 9 am to noon
Monday to Friday and 7-10 pm for drop-in,
peer support counselling and library services.
Films on Wednesdays. 488-3234. Peer
support is also available through email;
glcce@freenet.edmonton.ab.ca
website: www.freenet.edmonton.ab.ca/glcce

Gaywire lesbian, gay & bisexual radio
show on FM 88.5. Thursdays from 6-7 pM.

Sonic Sisters women’s music radio
program on FM 88.5. Tuesdays 7-8 pM.

Lambda Christian Community
evangelical lesbigay church; worship 7 pm
Sundays, 11148-84 Ave. 474-0753.

Metropolitan Community Church
weekly worship, McDougall United Church,
10086 MacDonald Drive (riverside entrance),
Sundays at 1 pm—with children’s church
school available—and at 7:15 pm. Youth
Group on Tuesdays at 7 pm. Also at
McDougall, AFFIRM United meets at
7:30 pm the last Saturday of each month. Call
Tess or Phyllis at 474-0862.

Unitarian Church of Edmonton
welcomes lesbians and gays. Services of
union available. Sunday services at 9:30 and
11:15 am, 12530-110 Ave. 454-8073.

Classics, a social group for lesbians over
40, meets on the first Sunday of the month at
2 po. Call Donna at 456-1008.

6 WOMONSPACE NEWS

Youth Understanding Youth: a
fellowship of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and
trans genders, aged 25 and under, meets
Saturdays from 8-10 pm at GLCCE. All youth
welcome. 488-3234.

PFLAG/T Edmonton: support and
education for parents, families and friends of
lesbians /gays /bisexuals /transgenders. Meets
the 3rd Tuesday of each month, 7:30 p.,
GLCCE. Call Lynne at 462-5958.

Northern Titans Gay & Lesbian
Bowling Association meets for 10 pin every
Saturday at 5:15 pm. Pins and Cues
(Westmount). $12. A group supper outing after
bowling is also organized each week. Call
Garry, 426-6311.

Outreach is a University of Alberta group
for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered.
students, staff and faculty. Meets Tuesdays at 5
pM in the Heritage Room in Athabasca Hall.
Email: outreach@ gpu.srv.ualberta.ca.

Hangouts:

Bagel Tree Cafe - 10345 Whyte Ave.
Buddy’s - Upstairs pub; 10112-124 Street.
Jazzberrys Too Cafe - 10116-124 Street.
The Roost - Private club at 10345-104 Street.
Secrets - Women’s bar at 10249-107 Street.

Gay & Lesbian Info Line:
482-2855

Womonspace:482 ~1794

CALENDAR OF EVENTS:

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, Noon

Womonspace Newsletter Meeting

Stop in and say hello to the newsletter dykes at
the Bagel Tree Cafe, 10345 Whyte Ave.
Deadline for submissions for May issue on the
topic “Lesbian Gardeners.”

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 11 am - 2 Pm

Pride 99 Brunch Fundraiser

Featuring a breakfast buffet and entertainment
at Secrets Bar and Grill, 10249-107 Street. The
funds will be used to finance our Pride
celebration in June. Tickets $15 at Secrets or
call 488-3442
Email:edmonton_pride@hotmail.com

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 7:30 pm

Linda Tillery & Cultural Heritage Choir
Arden Theatre, St. Albert. Tickets $21.50;
phone 459-1542.

TUESDAY, APRIL 13, 8 pm

Rainbow Business Association
Gay-friendly business owners meet the second
Tuesday of every month at the Garage Burger
Bar, 10242-106 Street.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 7:30 Pm

Dionne Brand Reading

Winner of the Govenor General Award for
poetry in 1997, Dionne reads from her second
novel, Af the Full and Change of the Moon,
upstairs in the Bloomsbury Room at Orlando
Books, 10123 Whyte Ave.

FRIDAY, APRIL 16, 7:30 pm

Sonic Sisters

Singer/songwriter Cori Brewster and friends in
the Bloomsbury Room at Orlando Books,
10123 Whyte Ave. A pass the hat event.

SATURDAY, APRIL 17, 7:30 pm

Black & White Affair AIDS Benefit
Silent auction, hors d’oeuvres and dancing to
the music of The Kit Kat Club and Big
Breakfast Boogie Band. Advance tickets $30
at AIDS Network, 488-5742; $35 at door.
Winspear Centre, 9720-102 Ave.

SUNDAY, APRIL 18, 3 pm
Womonspace Board Meeting
GLCCE, 103, 10612-124 St.

FRIDAY, APRIL 23, after 4 pm

Teachers Social/Support Group
Monthly gathering of gay and lesbian
Edmonton and area teachers. Second Cup,
11210 Jasper Ave. Call Barrie; 432-9144 or
Grant; 432-1660.

SUNDAY, APRIL 25, 8 Pm

Laura Love Concert

The Afro-Celtic folksinger plays the
Winspear Centre, 428-1414.

SATURDAY, MAY 1,8 px

EVM Concert, Let Your Spirit Soar
Lesbian and gay gospel music with guest
conductor Gregory Payne from New York
City. Convocation Hall at the University of
Alberta. Call 988-4620.

SUNDAY, MAY 2, 6 pm

Liatris Society Perennial Exchange
Divide overgrown plants and share them
with queer gardeners. Seeds and houseplants
welcome also. Call 483-4080 for more
information.

SUNDAY, MAY 9, Neon

Womonspace Newsletter Meeting
At the Bagel Tree Cafe, 10345 Whyte Ave.
Deadline for submissions for June issue on
the topic “Lesbian Comedy.”

WOMONSPACE NEWS 7

SPEAKING OF NORMAL

by Liz Masstah, MSW, RSW (780) 415 5443

Dead bed. This phrase describes the
lessening of sexual activity between lesbians
who have been in a relationship for an extended
period of time. The high powered, lusty
beginnings of intimate relationships that
gradually erode into infrequent sex.

Frequency of sexual contact in couples is
affected by many things. Fatigue, illness,
depression, certain medications (anti-
depressants and high blood pressure drugs to
name just two) decrease libido. There is the lack
of time in many of our lives. There are issues of
communication and trust. Factors related to
power and control often get played out sexually.
One partner may either demand or refuse sex as
a way of being in charge.

Unresolved experiences of sexual abuse and
assault—as a child, adolescent or adult—also
affect our ability to be sexual. Then there is the
whole whore/virgin dilemma, all those messages
about “good girls don’t”; not to mention the
messages about the nastiness of lesbian sex that
we are all raised with and hear regularly. That,
combined with a sexually obsessed yet sex
avoidant culture, also gets in the way. And then
there is all the stuff about who initiates what,
when, where, how and why —and who has
more or less sexual experience. And who wants
vanilla sex while another wants “down and dirty
and raunchy,” or maybe to act out their power
and control stuff using sado-masochism.

Add menopause, peri-menopause,
hysterectomies and hormone replacement
therapy into the mix. And child rearing and
nursing and late night feedings...

And then there is the question of what is sex
anyhow? Lots of folks figure that anything that

isn’t missionary position sexual intercourse just
doesn’t count. Gay men often talk about not having
had sex unless they have anal sex. Despite having
wonderful orgasms together with lots of touching,
it’s not sex unless it’s intercourse.

So is it sex to a dyke if there is no penetration?
What do you and your partner mean by being
sexual? Is it the cuddle in the morning, the backrub
in the bath, the casual caress of her breast or your
bottom while doing the dishes?

Research shows that the highest frequency of
sexual activity is in gay male couples, then
heterosexuals, then lesbian couples. The famous
Anne Landers poll showed that most women want
to cuddle anyhow, more than have orgasms.

And who says that if it’s sex you have an orgasmr
Now let’s get into the topic of female ejaculation
and not being a proper dyke unless we do that too.
So much for the neatness inherent in dyke
sex—now we want wet spots!

Intimacy includes being sexual. That means
connecting, communicating and sharing. And taking
risks—lots of risks. Or is it just another bodily
function, like peeing, that feels so much better when
its finished—but is basically an inconvenience? Or is
it a sacrament, full of mystical, sacred meaning? Or
is it different from time to time? Are we trying to fit
it into someone else’s notion of being sexual? One
report I saw suggested that any couple that has sex
less than six times a year is a non-sexual couple.
Does that mean that the six times they have great
sex don’t count?

Are you experiencing yourself and your partner in
a sexual way that meets your needs? If one of you is
discontented, how can you do something different
to make it better between your Sex needs to be
talked about. My bet is that if one of you is silently
fussing about your sexual relationship, then the
other is too.

=

8 WOMONSPACE NEWS

BETWEEN THE COVERS
At Edmonton Public library

by Lindy Pratch

Two German women fell in love during
the Second World War. One was the wife of
a Nazi soldier and the other woman was
Jewish, living underground to avoid being
sent to a concentration camp. Their true
story has been the subject of a book, a
documentary, and now a movie.

Aimée & Jaguar: A Love Story, Berlin
1943 (HarperCollins 1995) was written by
Erica Fischer and translated by Edna
McCown. It won a Lambda Literary Award
for biography. The most remarkable aspect
of this story is that it exists. Lilly Wurst
(Aimée) has an amazing memory for details.
She also kept a diary and had stacks of
letters and poems that she and Felice
Schragenheim (Jaguar) had written to each
other, as well as photographs and many
official documents.

This story of their love brings a turbulent
time in history to life. I feel fortunate to
have had this intimate glimpse into what it
was like to live then in Germany.

I was shocked to learn of the anti-semitic
immigration policies in other countries
which contributed to the deaths of
thousands of people who had the money to

- leave Germany but nowhere to go. In 1941,
for example, there was an 81% decrease in
the emigration quota into the USA,
compared to the previous yeat.

The author’s condescension toward Lilly
ittitated me and I was impatient for more
action in places where the volume of detail
became overwhelming. The final third of the

book is mostly comprised of diary excerpts and
this section is quite gripping.

In the epilogue, Fischer tells of her frustration
with Lilly and writes “I had to use harsh measures
to tone down Lilly’s overprolific memory.” The
author also admits to recording some events with
“self-righteousness” and to being “furious” with
Lilly because she had walled up her life and clung
to the past. Fischer draws a parallel between the
holocaust and the “ethnic cleansing” happening in
Bosnia while she wrote. The epilogue added much
to my understanding of my reaction to the book
and to the larger social issues it raises.

*eGK

A thoroughly enjoyable time can be spent with
Abigail Padgett’s new thriller, Blue (Mysterious
Press 1998). Blue McCarron ts a reclusive social
psychologist hired to prove a 61-yeat-old widow
did not actually murder the man found in her
frozen food storage locker... even though she has
confessed to the crime. The intrigue lies in what
her story may be covering up. Meanwhile, Blue is
still grieving the disappearance of her ex, Misha,
when a new love interest enters her life. Blue’s
study of primates and her resulting understanding
of human male and female behaviours is a very
interesting thread through the narrative.

0K

Bending the Landscape is a new series of
original gay and lesbian writing. Science Fiction,
volume 1, (Overlook 1998) received a Lambda
award last year. In the intro, editors Nicola
Griffith and Stephen Pagel talk about aliens—the
Other. “Lesbians and gay men have, in our 20"
century western culture, been the Other: as the
century is about to change, we believe we ar less
so. The writers in this volume have different
views about how things might turn out.” Read
these stories and think about who might be right.

WOMONSPACE NEWS 9

MEMBERSHIP
HAS ITS PRIVILEGE

The Womonspace winter “recruitment”
campaign was a resounding success.
Borrowing a page from Ellen DeGeneres, we
recently held a membership drive in which all
women who purchased or renewed
memberships between Nov. 21, 1998 and
March 20, 1999 were eligible to win a toaster
oven.

The response was excellent! More than 80
memberships (including two-for-$25 couple
packages) were purchased during the four-
month campaign. Womonspace presently has
173 members.

Thanks to all of you who continue to
support Womonspace, and hearty
congratulations to Dilys, winner of the Black
& Decker prize valued at $70.

Members get in to Womonspace events at
reduced rates and receive the monthly
newsletter in the mail approximately 10 days
before it is distributed around town.

Dear Womonspace,

Just a note of thanks for the
Toast-R-Oven. I have recently been
working very hard to qualify... with
little success. (And had all but
thought the statute of limitations
had run out on my previous
endeavours... just kidding.)

Here’s a toast to youl

Thanks,
Dilys

BRENDA L. LISTER PAUL
CMA, CFP

FINANCIAL PLANNER

11523 - 100 AVENUE
TE. 201, LE MARCHAND MANSION
EDMONTON, ALBERTA
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TELEPHONE (403) 944-2787
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TOLL FREE 1-888-220-2702

BERKSHIRE

INVESTMENT GROUP INC.

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(780) 878-3301

toll fee from Edmonton

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An easy drive from the City
Comfortable, Affordable, Year Round
Retreats for Groups of 1-12
Enjoy the moon and sun set over the lake from the hot tub!

TO advertise in

call 482-1794

The newsletter will have a new
format starting with the May
issue. Ask for a rate sheet with
new SsIzes.

Classified ads are free
for members

10 WOMONSPACE NEWS

McKenzie & Hennir
: Counselling, Research & Assessment ees afaika' Recaliva
| We ate looking for a loving person to care for
| , our 6-month-old son for 35-40 hours /week in

our home (Millcreek). Please call 433-9728.
Female Ball Hockey Players
Practice Lo Sue en antiats

| L’Amazons team seeks players for season

| which begins in May. No experience necessary.
at | Peers ace vary Lenn, A5t-C10t
| - 1506, 10117 Jasper Avenue Fe ete edicts hoene with came:
| Bdmonton, Alberta T5J 1W8 | Non-smoker preferred. $275 + half utilities.
| a Leave message; 471-2182.

Mumey’s Tree SeRvicE
tree & shrub pruning

phone: 469-2595 cel: 719-3158

| Liz Massiah, usw. rs.w.

ee ates | Bier deste witha ti |
Rss “Sliding scele.” a selection of titles :
#203, 10129-124 St., Edmonton for women.
(780) 415-5434 10123 Whyte Ave., T6E 1Z5

“Through uncertainty to new possibilities” ae

No Dance in April

Next Womonspace Dance
Saturday, May 15

Alberta Avenue Hall
(210 - 18 Avenue
4pm - 1AM 7
FOR WOMEN ONLY - Non-Smokina }

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WOMONSPACE MEMBERSHIP FORM
Box 128 Main P O, Edmonton AB T5J 3K4 Phone: 482-1794
Confidentiality Assured

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12-Month Membership Fee: $15/single $25/couple (with one newsletter)
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